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OH MY GOD ARMAGEDDON IS HERE

Above: Tomorrow?

Delightfully, the Rapture is on its way tomorrow. What better way to celebrate the end of all life by starting up my blog again! That way, this will be the last act I am judged upon.

Not setting the bar too high then.

Apparently. God’s chosen ones will find themselves ascending, up into the sky, nude, to heaven.

…

Just take a second to envision that snippet of info. Millions of Christians skyrocketing like a nude Superman into the Stratosphere. There are so many variables to even comprehend. Will it be a gentle glide up into the Almighty One’s embrace or will God’s faithful be blasting off to Heaven fueled by nitrous oxide?

Heaven is gonna be SWEET!

I wonder if there is a warning for those about to ascend like a worldwide air raid siren? Or is it instantaneous, as soon as you step into an open space? How are you supposed to react when you go from 0-400mph, VERTICALLY in about 5 seconds? 

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING! I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON!

I’ve read that some people have quit their jobs and spent their entire life savings, being that they won’t be hanging around on Earth for too much longer. A little bit superfluous to nip on a plane to the Maldives and get ‘raptured’ half way through a pineapple daiquiri, considering that you are preparing to meet the Big Man and chill out in Heaven for all eternity. Maybe there is a hidden passage somewhere in the Bible that sets out the rules for the rapture. Maybe there are points for who can get ‘raptured’ in style?!

N.B. - Raptured is definitely a thing now. I’ve used it twice and you didn’t question it, did you?

Above: My smug face, if I was a cat.

Anyway, all that aside, what can the heathens who get left behind expect? We are meant to endure ‘Armageddon’ which thanks to the Lords of Science Fiction can mean a whole manner of things.

Only one way to deal with this then.

NBR’s FIVE WAYS TO END THE WORLD!

1. Weather Style

The forecast today isn’t looking good I’m afraid…

The most probable end considering how much of a bitch Mother Earth is. Expect weather akin to a weekend in Scotland in November times a million, after all we are talking of biblical proportions here people! 

This is my least favourite way to go, maybe because I’m thinking it will force those of us left into a new Ice Age and I really don’t like being cold. If it ends up being a bit more like Twister or Dante’s Peak then I’m totally up for the idea!

Hi God, it’s me. Yeah I think there has been a mix up.

2. Astrological Distaster Style

The alternate ending, where Bruce Willis totally fails.

Apparently loads of asteroids are swinging by the Earth all the time. Enter MegaUltraAsteroid, the one meant to polish off Earth in one clean blow. There is too much science behind this one for it to be any fun and it is all over too quickly. 

If it really does end up being like Armageddon starring Bruce Willis, expect explosions, loads of shouting and 25ft robots in the middle of town. Just like every other Micheal Bay movie then.

3. Alien Style

The end of the world. Starring Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum.

Now we are talking! Throw some aliens in there and suddenly the end of the world starts to look like a laugh! After all, Armageddon is supposed to be a holy war between Jesus and Satan. Maybe Satan has been to Mars to recruit some non-terrestrial beings to fight on his side? It can happen, right?

Imagine it, Jesus showing up with his phaser set to ‘blow shit up’ and Commander Worf behind him? WHAT ISN’T AWESOME ABOUT THAT?

Jesus has been here all along…

Pretty good end of world scenario here, I’m up for it, but only if it stays bad-ass, not if it turns all ‘War of The Worlds’ and suddenly I’m running around as a single parent awkwardly trying to bridge gaps with my son and we win by sneezing at robots.

Bullshit.

4. A.I. Style

Best Armageddon metaphor ever.

What doesn’t spell doom and gloom like a super computer with its own though processes? A.I. is a popular one in science fiction; HAL murdering people in 2001, Machines turning us all into batteries in The Matrix and of course, military hardware causing all out nuclear holocaust then building an army of humanoid robots to wipe out mankind. A.I. is scary because it could well bloody happen. And I can’t wait.

(Self Aware A.I. + Nuclear War) x Robots = Best Armageddon ever.

I’m 100% for this. Get rid of annoying John Connor from Terminator 2 & 3, replace him with Christian Bale John Connor and I’m there with bells on. Don’t bog me down with iRobot, there is already too much Will Smith in this post. We all had a chuckle last month when the fictional date of Skynet’s activation went by but did you know that the British Government actually named a load of satellites Skynet? One step closer to Armageddon baby!

There is a real threat that is much closer to home. A global system with its own intelligence that has recently been given the ability to SEE into our homes and WATCH our every movement. That’s right boys and girls. Armageddon starts with Xbox 360.

Dr. Chandra? Will I dream?

You read it here first. Microsoft is the real life Skynet. Bill Gates is just a puppet. Call of Duty is just a means to test out combat abilities. Kinect is stoically watching each and every one of us wave about like bloody twats. You think its all fun and games but come tomorrow we will be fighting armies of Master Chief robots. And it’s going to be ace.

5. Survivors style

BEYOND THUDERDROME BITCHES!

My personal favourite. The best possible scenario. Massive disaster hits, leaves handful of survivors to try and rebuild society. Everything related to this genre rules. Mad Max, Fallout even Waterworld! What isn’t awesome about that? Not only do you get to survive but you get to make your own rules! Yeah it does come with its minor gripes; your loved ones will perish, civilisation as we know it descends into groups of murderous thugs, no Facebook (!). But I reckon Armageddon isn’t actually the end of the world…

True Christians will somehow get to Heaven, non-assisted vertical flight isn’t the best way to convince people, maybe the Pope has a massive spaceship called ‘The Ark II’ that he is off to Heaven in but I’m not bothered about that. Armageddon is God just leveling out the playing field for everybody else. Everybody becomes equal. Then those who can survive until Armageddon is over get let into Heaven! Think of it as being a brutal, global play off. Christians get automatic promotion, the rest of us have to battle super mutants and ghouls until we get our names on the ultimate guest list, simples!

HELL YEAH! ARMAGEDDON RULES!

So there you have it, my top five ways to end time. Come tomorrow this post will either be total gospel for the surviving members of Earth and we can wait for Armageddon.

Or more likely is, nothing will happen, that smug bastard sat waiting to be raptured in the Maldives will wake up on Sunday morning and feel like a right twat with no money, no job and a very, very pissed off wife. Luckily, it’s a Sunday so he can head to his local church and wonder where it all went wrong.

TESTIFY!

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Al Fayed, The Stig and Van Gogh walk into a bar…

Just got back from holiday to Majorca. Yeah, it was really nice thanks for asking. I didn’t get burnt, didn’t lose any baggage, and I didn’t die in a smouldering steel wreck.

Good times!

But me sitting on a beach doesn’t make very good reading so I’ll just leave it at that.

I came back to old Blighty and had a browse at what had happened while I was away. 

What a mistake I made.

As usual the Daily Mail managed to miss out on important things happening, insisting on telling me that our Prime Minister is on holiday in Cornwall with his pregnant wife.

Couldn’t care less. I’ve been on holiday to Majorca so fuck you, The Right Honourable.

X-Factor viewers are going wild about the use of auto-tune, saying it ruins the concept of a singing competition. X-Factor hasn’t been a singing competition for some time now. It has become an absolute marketing machine. The TV series is an over-complicated audition process and the final result is a pre-prepared pop sensation; Media training, performance coaching, a huge fan base and a hit single that is GUARANTEED to sell. They make tonnes of TV money while they turn Joe Bloggs into Elton John.

So what they have started using a bit of auto-tune here and there. Big deal! It happens everyday in the studio to make pop records sound perfect and now they are using it to make TV shows sound perfect too. Think of it as a make up artist for their voice!

Maybe she’s born with it…

Maybe its Auto-Tune!

ITV will probably say they aren’t using it, because it is pretty hard to notice unless the performer is really, really shit at singing. For examples, if you try and use auto tune on anything over 3 semi-tones, you just sound like T-Pain. But with two Grammy awards on the shelf I don’t really think he gives a shit.

‘Cher is my idol. Believe is my favourite song’

WikiLeaks head and whistleblowing tosser Julian Assange has pointed the finger at the Pentagon for a ‘sex trap’ against him in Sweden.

Basically he is the head of a Wikipedia-based website that publishes leaked documents about any conspiracy theory, scandal or misconduct you have ever read about or are ever likely to read about. Worryingly legal thanks to the Freedom Of Information Act, Mr.Assange claims he has been victim to a Pentagon plan to have him arrested in Sweden with a rape claim against his name cropping up and quickly being retracted.

It probably is a fake, but when he comments on the incident, it all seems a bit dubious.

What I can say is that I have never, in Sweden nor in any other country, had sex with anyone in a way that was not totally consensual

If somebody accuses you of rape, you go ‘Absolutely no way! Rape is a terrible, horrendous crime and I am shocked and appalled to have been accused of something so abhorrent!’ 

He sounds far too specific to be totally guilt free. He probably hasn’t raped somebody but has said a few off tone comments to some blonde secretary or maybe had a cheeky grope.

‘I have never properly killed somebody completely dead. Yet.’

After getting pissed off at myself for staying on the Daily Mail website for more than 30 seconds when I saw The Stig’s face on a link to a story. I clicked on it and was immediately horrified. DON’T CLICK ON IT UNLESS YOU ALREADY KNOW!

Turns out that the Daily Mail have some reasonable solid evidence revealing the Stig’s identity. I fucking hate the Daily Mail now so I’m not going to spread their evil by revealing the driver’s name here on my blog. I’m definitely pissing upwind but I don’t care.

Within seconds of involuntary scanning I recognised the driver’s name and placed an Egyptian curse on the Daily Mail. The article does that thing newspapers like to do when they have an exclusive by starting every sentence with “The Daily Mail unearthed/discovered/revealed” as if it is a living breathing organism.

Oh my God, Look out! It’s THE DAILY MAIL!

We know the BBC have gone to pretty extreme lengths to keep The Stig’s identity a secret and that in itself is really pathetic, that they have to do so much to keep a running gag going. I hope that this is all false and The Stig really is a mythical machine, literally flying to Paul Dacre’s house to drop a nuke on him.

The current Stig could well lose his job but would probably just quit anyway. Perry McCarthy revealed himself as Stig 1 but they made a story out of it killing him off. This time it isn’t the driver’s fault though and a decent bloke loses his job because the Daily Mail was clever with some financial records.

God I hate the Daily Mail. STOP RUINING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY

So I went to the home of reason and glory, the BBC and began trawling through all the headlines that caught my eye.

Youtube being flooded with Porn. Brilliant stuff. If you read my blog about Internet Identities then you will find textbook examples of every single one of them in the comments section of that story;

Heather from Glasgow - I seriously doubt that kids are going to be traumatised by having witnessed adult humans in the act of mating

Yeah, because seeing Randy Moore getting pile-drivered by four men is ‘mating’.

Richard from London - Everyone involved in this hacking attack should receive no less than 25 years in prison, and should have to register as sex offenders.

And women should give back the vote shouldn’t they Richard?

 Dave from San Antonio - Think what would have happened if you were a younger and you found this video of your favourite recording artists performing a song you enjoy, and suddenly it cuts to the image of a lot of men demeaning and performing degrading acts on a female who is paid to perform as though she is enjoying it. You think YOU could understand what’s going on?

Because all female pornstars HATE their job don’t they Dave? They are FORCED into porn, aren’t they DAVE?

I know that a porn version of a Rick-Roll isn’t exactly great when you consider that little kids go on Youtube, but porn on the internet is ridiculously easy to find. This attack didn’t set out to prove anything, it was just a load of weed smoking hippies who wanted to ‘stick it to the man.’ 

Not sure what Google will do about this. Rick-rolling was and is really annoying but it brought him back to life!

‘Thanks for giving me my career back, 21st Century!’

Mohammed Al Fayed has been pissing off our royalty by revealing the Royal Warrants given to him by the Queen were destroyed when he took them down in 2000. He said that as no-one of royal blood had popped into his Harrods store for a while he decided to take them down and burn them. 

Probably a little bit of overkill there mate, you could have just taken them down and said you were a bit peeved they hadn’t visited in a while. By your logic I should have a bonfire with all my n64 games.

Your time is over, Turok 2.

In the entertainment and arts section I read about the Van Gogh piece stolen from an Egyptian Museum. Bit of a shame really, a £32 million Van Gogh original goes missing due to some shoddy security systems.

Imagine the media conference on the theft…

43 security cameras but only seven work? Shame on you Khalil Museum!

The alarm on the painting broken? Oh dear. You’ll probably struggle to find the culprit then, all those hundreds of people passing through the museum doors everyday…

What’s that? Only ten people visited the day it was stolen?

Ten?

As in, the painting was there in the morning, Ten people came and went throughout the whole day and you failed to notice one of them cutting the painting out of its frame and then leaving with the painting? 

AND YOU HAVE ALREADY QUESTIONED TWO OF THEM? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Lolcats are funny. That’s the only truth in this world.

This case quickly went from another Dan Brown novel to a game of fucking Cluedo.

Where is this blog going? I hear you ask.

Nowhere. 

I’m wasting twenty minutes of you life just like I did aimlessly roaming about news websites trying to find out what has happened in the week while I’ve been away. The truth is that so much crap happens on a weekly it is impossible to find out the important stuff that happens daily.

Unless you stick to watching BBC news

Yep. The news.

Well you would, wouldn’t you?

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The Internet: A microcosm of problems

Have you ever dared to comment on a video on youtube? Or are you like me and you just watch from the outside as arguments spiral out of control on a Jasper Carrott video.

Look at that comments section. It’s ridiculous.

A comment’s section on pretty much any website is going to be rife with absolute tossers that you want to steer clear of but sadly, they are waiting for you. Their soul purpose is to make sure that they are right. They just cannot walk away from anything whatsoever. And they thrive on fresh meat like you and me. You already know them all, this article is just naming the sinners.

We are going on a journey. A journey of discovery into the human psyche.

10 Internet Commenters that are out to ruin your day

10 - The Indestructible

Recognisable comments

Hly sht!!!!! Tht ws BADAZZ!!! Bt if e cum neer me i’d kil im 2 fuk!!!

Ye w/e man. I cud do tht loadz beter.

The Indestructible is fairly harmless, but he has to let you know how much of a man he is. He is typically found on viral videos about some amazing physical feat or a video about UFC. He really struggles not being able to use physical threats on the net and will probably invite you over to his house to ‘say it to mah face man!’

‘COME ROUND TO MY HOUSE AND SAY THAT!!!’

Real life examples

9 - The Encyclopaedia 

Recognisable comments

OMG, it’s NOT the 1999 final it’s the 2001 final JESUS

Are you referring to the Magnetic North Pole or the Geographic North Pole, ‘cause there is a difference you know…

The Encyclopaedia is here to make you feel like an absolute idiot. If he doubts even one bit of your argument he will go onto Wikipedia and pull you apart piece by piece.

‘I’m so better than you’

He also has to make sure that everybody knows he is totally an expert. He will use science and logic to reason everything although most of the time he doesn’t have a clue what he is talking about. He is the brain version of The Indestructible.

Real life examples

8 - The Refresher 

Recognisable comments

heloooo? ne body there?

God y r u takin so long 2 cmment?

The Refresher will spend a good 6-8 hours on facebook a day, updating their statuses every 5 minutes and then clicking ‘like’ on their own status.

They live and breathe social networking and become very agitated when they get a dry spell lasting for more than 10 minutes. They also start groups, forums or topics and check up on them every 2 minutes, despite the fact they get email notifications anyway. They will wear down their F5 button within weeks of owning a laptop.

COMMENT ON MY LINK! PLEASE!

Real life examples

7 - The Non-believer

Recognisable comments

OMG thts so effin fake, u cn’t do tht at all! So stupid!

lol lol lol i can’t belive u fort tht ws reel, n00b

The Non-Believer isn’t a sheep. And he needs you to know that. Big time. He hunts the net making sure that you know he hasn’t been fooled by CGI or clever camera techniques. He knows bullshit when he sees it. 

You tossers. You ruin everything for the rest of us. Anything slightly cool or beyond your skill is labelled ‘FAKE, OMG TOTALLY FAKE!’ and you clog up pages with your infallible quest for truth. Just stop it. 

FAKE! TOTAL FAKE!

Real life examples

6 - The Untouchable

Recognisable comments

Whatever man, it’s only the internet. I’m totally not bothered

Yeah well I’ve got a life so you know, you just stay on here and I’m gonna go sleep with my girlfriend…WHICH YOU DON’T HAVE

The Untouchable goes out of his way to let you know you haven’t bothered him. He will tell you that he is done with this or that it is totally stupid and it doesn’t matter or that he is going to get on with this life but I can guarantee you that he will sit there for another twenty minutes arguing with you. He will get really mad and have an outburst at you, then as soon as you get him by the balls, his armour goes back on.

Haha yeah whatever man, I totally don’t care anyway. You are such a loser.

I’m afraid not Mr.Untouchable. You are the loser. You just can’t stand to let it go can you? You have to make sure that YOU are the one ending this argument, YOU are being the better man and walking away. Only that you aren’t really and I know you are still sat there with your stress ball. Who is the REAL winner here?

Real life examples

We are half way through now. Get ready, because the top 5 are the worst of them all.

5 - The Fury

Recognisable comments

WTF MAN! WHT IS UR PROBLEM DUDE? JESUS CHRIST! OMG!

WOOLWORTHS WAS SHIT THAT IS WHY IT CLOSED. END OF. THANKS. BYE THEN.

We all know that in the land of the net that capitals = shouting. The Fury will capitalise his entire comment because he can’t rope in his fury. He’s a bit like the Indestructible, but more like he is suffering from Intermittent Explosive Disorder in that he has spasms of uncontrollable rage that border on the psychotic. He will see a comment argument plodding along with cheap insults being thrown around, then he will burst through the door (metaphorically) and scream at everybody for a couple of minutes then leave. He never justifies his outburst because he doesn’t need to. 

He uses the same force on the ‘submit’ button

The Fury is like a typhoon, hellacious and frightening but will be gone before you know it. Just be ready for him when he comes.

Real life examples

4 - The Broken Soul 

Recognisable comments

Yeh wwell if u fink thts funny fink abowt all v ppl hu sufer evryday bcoz of ppl lyke u jst wastin all  v time

Please don’t bully me, I’ve had Ebola virus all my life and it really hurts my fingers to type

The broken soul takes on two roles. He will try to make you feel bad about putting a funny comment on something by nailing you to a crucifix. As soon as you turn it back on him he will tell you about the latest tragedy in his life; his dog has died and his best friend was paralysed in an accident and his dad has died. Again.

They tend to have blogs that document the misery they call life, listen to a lot of Greenday and tell you how much they know about suffering. Unless they are under some sort of biblical curse you begin to wonder how credible their stories are and if they are actually who they say they are at all.

‘My life sucks. I can’t wait to tell the Internet’

Real life examples

3 - The Grammar Naz…Man

THIS IS A PICTURE OF ROBERT CARLYLE LOOKING LIKE A CERTAIN DICTATOR TO HELP ILLUSTRATE MY POINT. Glad we have established that.

Recognisable comments

I’m sorry, could you learn to spell before you post a comment. I literally cannot read what you have put there.

LOL - You have switched tenses half way through that sentence you absolute n00b

We all like to chuckle when somebody uses l33t sp33k for an entire response and you can’t actually understand what they are saying, however in a heated debate, if somebody posts a perfectly clear, relevant point but accidentally uses ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’ you can bet money on it that somebody will flip the fuck out. 

The Grammar Nazi.

Nothing gets past him without a thorough proof-read. Read this in a Don LaFontaine voice in your head

‘In a world, where spelling and grammar have fallen to the oppression of internet forums and chatrooms, one man is on a mission to save us all from illiteracy.

That man, is…The Grammar Nazi’

Slumdog MillioNAZI.

Real life examples (must have been a convention)

2 - The Ninja

Recognisable comments

u r a fag

idiots

The Comment Ninja strikes quickly and seemingly without explanation or opinion. One comment is all it takes. He will wait until an argument dies down and then just like that, bam. The fire reignites with his calculated, vicious needle strike.

Above: An argument

There is no defence against the comment ninja and he will probably never look at his post again. He just doesn’t care. And that is why we hate him.

Real life examples

Come on, really?

1 - The Troll

Recognisable comments

Single mums are absolute LOSERS! HOPE UR BABY DIES PMSL!

I love sea clubbing loads lolololol

Trolls are the worst. Trolls are just absolute tossers. They are literally there just to hate everything for no reason. They are like Heath Ledger’s Joker. They thrive on misery and chaos. They are usually normal people in the outside world, probably got a paper round or something but when they get online they get lost in the anonymity of it all and go wild. They will hate any ethnic group, any religion and any background. Nobody stands a chance. You try and make them see the gravity of their comments or insult them and they just suck it up. They absolutely love it

Whatever man, kill yourself. I don’t care!

They tend to be the ones who start groups like “I’ll have pork chops for lunch LOL JK I’m Muslim” for absolutely no reason. They make arguments out of nothing just because they love it.

Trolls are the Sauron of the Internet. They tend to be a combination of the above, some sort of digital hell-child with some serious identity issues going on. The only problem is Gandalf is nowhere to be seen. So The Troll rages on, causing mayhem everywhere.

Real life examples

Facebook Groups

There is one last hidden enemy, but he is neither he or she. It simply exists. It is everywhere and anywhere all at once.

The BOT.

OMG! That was so cool! Check out my website at www.massiveboobsforfree.com/trojanvirus.rar for hot pics of me!

You have been warned. 

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Unemployment Wars Part IV: No Hope

Me and Stormtroopers have a lot in common.

Another crushing blow to my job hunting efforts today. A job prospect that I had hoped might lead to an interview has today been rejected.

Bummer.

I don’t blame the company. I don’t blame anybody really. Apart from maybe the banks. The job market at the moment is ferociously competitive, like a day in the Thunderdrome, so I try to make myself as flexible and adaptable as possible. I’ll apply for anything that is loosely related to my course in that if it has the word ‘audio’ or ‘sound’ in the job description I’ll go for it; location doesn’t matter to me as I’ll move anywhere I need to in the UK (or outside for that matter) and as long as I’m not living off £50 a week I’m happy.

Mmm, poverty.

You can see how I easily rack up 10-20 applications a day; a combination of hunting studios, going through job advertisement websites and just generally bothering people within the industry. I’m used to the rejection phonecalls/emails from people saying they aren’t in a position to take anybody on at the minute, current economic climate, blah blah blah, but what really vexes me is when I’m applying for ‘graduate/entry level’ positions and I get responses along the lines of ‘you aren’t experienced enough’. 

OK, so I haven’t been managing director of Live Nation since I was 9 but I like to think I have a valuable amount of experience in the working world. My covering letters display commitment, enthusiasm and knowledge and my CV isn’t too shabby either yet I still don’t even get through to the interview stage for a Junior Audio engineer that under ‘key requirements’ has ‘an interest in audio systems would be preferable’. I have a 2:1 Bachelors Honours in Music Tech for gods sake I would love a position where I take on responsibility and initiative. All my degree is good for at the minute is making a very expensive paper aeroplane.

F16 CREDENTIALS, BITCH!

Since my job hunting started in April I have successfully got through to zero interviews. I have gone for well over 200 jobs now all of which I thought I had a chance at being considered but the evidence seems to speak the contrary.

I know plenty of people are in the same position as me; moaning about being unemployed and similarly the Government moans at us for being lazy and being too picky about the career paths we take. I don’t want to sound pretentious but I didn’t go through the best part of 16 years in education, honing my skills and working towards a career in Music/Music Tech to come out of University with a piece of paper that says ‘U O US £9,000 K?’ and have to settle for a job in a call centre. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy with my job in a call centre but I barely get by and it isn’t something I want to do for the rest of my life.

Where do I go from here? Do I revamp my CV? Reassess how I script my covering letters? Broaden my horizons to take overseas jobs? 

They all seem like good time wasters. I know that when I finally do start getting interviews I will go through months of pressure, patience and rejection but at least I will feel like I’m getting somewhere. At the moment I’m at the bottom of the ladder. And the ladder looks like this.

‘At the top here we have ‘excited anticipation of an email response, inviting you to a job interview’ and at the bottom we have ‘soul devouring rejection, leading to renewed disappointment” 

Something will come about soon. One way or the other I’ll end up with a job that pays enough to live on. At least for now I know that my call centre will keep me living. It isn’t so bad…

‘Good evening, my name is Nick and I’m calling from Ipswich Town football club, is that Mr Skywalker?’

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Dating Tips from DaTe_LoRd1989 

After reading a post on my mate Liam’s fancy .com blog,  I found myself subconsciously nodding and muttering under my breath about how the internet has given the everyday moron opportunity to voice his or her ‘experience’. 

You only fully appreciate how many idiots are online when you start to look beyond the social networking sites like facebook and tumblr which have their fair share of idiots, (yeah I know, but you are still reading, aren’t you?)

I’ve got you now.

The real evidence of the fools who digitally wander the doubleu-doubleu-web lie in instructional websites like ehow or debate sites like convinceme.

Convinceme.net is in theory quite a good idea. Two users duke it out over a selected topic and users vote upon the issue and are allowed to comment themselves too. Topics range from ‘Was the original KKK racist?’ to ‘Turd Sandwich vs Giant Douche’ so you can already see the level of maturity that is available. The problem is you might be reading an in depth debate about legalising gay marriage but then you’ll catch a glimpse of something like this

fagz lol

…

‘RAP MUSIC MADE ME DO THIS!’

As with all forums/debate pages/groups, people will take up an internet persona, in this case we have The Comment Ninja. This is probably something I’ll write a blog on later because there are so fucking many personae and you know that you can’t win against them.

They make the internet insufferable and you know you run the risk of meeting one every time you sign in. It’s like when you are on a night out and you know at some point you are going to go into the toilet and there will be a weird bloke there with his market value eau de toilette, demanding a couple of quid just for washing your fucking hands for you.

Alfonso Ribeiro now works at Camel Club

Then you move onto the instructional video pages. Picture the scene. You sit down at your laptop one day and realise you are having problems getting it to boot up. You borrow your flat mate’s laptop to see if you can find a quick, easy solution to the problem. Success! Ehow has an easy to follow video and you are up and running in no time. But something catches your eye in the related articles section.

How to get Pregnant.

OK granted it isn’t your basic sex education but this is the sort of thing that people pay experts for. Thanks coryjane but I’ll go see a specialist rather than a 2.5 star rated member whose other articles include How to make Vietnamese Shrimp Rolls  and How to get a fake tan.

How to get an education. Without going to school.

It beggars belief what you can find on here. Basically, velosity tells us how to skip out things like college or degrees or certificates and just stick to online learning. Good work there velosity. Considering your fucking username isn’t even spelt properly I’ll probably give that a miss.

How to Banish Vampires. In Romania

I literally give up.

‘Don’t put me out of a job Ehow.’

You go on Ehow to solve basic problems or start a new hobby like ‘How to start a fire’ or ‘How to build a bench’ not how to rid yourself of a fictional night-crawler in a country you will probably never visit. These are articles written by idiots with a confusing and misspelt username that seem to have very little prior experience and it probably isn’t true, then they paste in a load of default jpegs to make you go ‘this is so true’.

Even MSN has done it now. I signed out of my hotmail to see some article written by a pair of blokes on why you might still be single. It made absolutely no sense at all.

I’m going to put the world right with my very own advice. I have decided to become a guru myself. A love guru. Are you ready for it?

DaTe_LoRd1989’S GUIDE TO WHY YOU ARE SINGLE

Are you tired of sitting on your own at night? Do you find that you never get past that first date? Well don’t worry because help is at hand!

DaTe_LoRd1989 has been in over 50 relationships, all of them lasting over 20 years! He has dated men and women since he was born and will definitely be able to help you get the love of your life!

Tip #1 - Try and be interested in what she has to say.

‘I can so relate to that’

Chicks dig guys that listen. Or at least pretend to. Try and smile often, nodding as she says something and only laugh when she does. Prepare arbitrary comments about popular culture references  but don’t put an opinion in on something - it means you will have to explain it.

Tip #2 - Don’t go for physical contact too early. 

‘Can I have your number?’

If you haven’t grabbed her cans by the 2nd date, give up. She’s a fridge bro.

Tip #3 - Adapt your personality to draw her in

‘Didn’t you know? I’m successful!’

Are you often described rude, egotistic or smug? Well, you are a dick. Don’t worry though! She doesn’t need to know that until you have bedded her. Make like a chameleon or a criminal and just agree with everything she says. For now.

Tip #4 - Suit up

Suit up bro!

Chicks dig suits. And showers. So make sure you have both before a date and she will be swinging on your nuts in no time.

Tip #5 - Play it cool

‘I’m busy with some stuff y’know what I’m sayin’?’

Don’t be too eager. She’ll expect that. Surprise her by ignoring her calls for at least a week and always end a phone call that you do answer with ‘yeah, whatever’.

Ice cool baby.

Tip #6 - Make everything a joke about cats

Her food tastes bad? Lolcat. Trouble at work? Lolcat. Her mother in hospital? Lolcat

Cats are funny man. That’s the only truth in this world. So show her your lighter side by whipping out your ice cool iPhone or Blackberry and hitting her with the lolcatbomb. She’s laughing her tits off and you showed off your new blower. Two birds with one stone.

Tip #7 - Bring a friend along

‘We all having a good time? Sweeet.’

Chicks dig crowds. That’s why they love shopping and lifts! Seriously, bring a friend - male or female and you have somebody who can back you up when you lie about stuff like saving dogs from haircuts or something like that.

Tip #8 - Become psychic AND more confident

‘I look at her and all of her clothes fall off’

The guys who get all the girls have two things. Mind powers and confidence. Look at Professor X man! He is surrounded by hotties! Both are easy to get so come on man, sort it out! GET CONFIDENT!

 Tip #9 - Photoshop is cool

Hell yeah baby

If you are gonna snake her out on facebook but you don’t have a bitchin’ profile picture just fake one. She won’t be able to tell the difference and you will look totally awesome.

Tip #10 - Get totally wasted and out-dance her

Chicks love being put down. They are like pokemon; wear them down to about 1/8th of their HP, then hit them with a pokeball. You can do it in conversation, financially or best of all, you can out dance her. Get wasted then hit the dance floor and dance so hard that everybody stops to watch you. She will totally dig your new found fame and collapse like a piece of damp wallpaper.

Hope you bro’s find this helpful. Check in for some more bitchin’ tips from DaTe_LoRd1989

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Channel 4, stop making me a pessimistic bastard

Before we start, Google have definitely read my blog, because they have put image search back to the old way - a neat collection of images, not some collage of mishap crap put together by a 4 year old programmer.

Sweet, sweet success.

Now onto today’s rant.

I love Channel 4 to bits. Apart from Big Brother, Hollyoaks and endless repeats of Friends, Channel 4 is packed with wicked shows. The Come Dine With Me World Cup Special was probably the best hour of telly I’ve ever seen. John Fashanu has clearly never even talked about food let alone cooked it.

‘How would you describe the pudding? I would use the word, succulent?’

‘The fish cakes absolutely annihilated me’

The documentary series on at the minute, Amish: World’s Squarest Teenagers, is something I am actually really enjoying. Watching hardcore Amish Christians doing a tour of pretty much every English demographic you can think of and seeing one of them GET PISSED?!? Priceless. 

But I watched a show the other day called Newlyweds: The One Year Itch and I found myself perilously gripped to watch it through to the end. The show basically followed up the stories of various couples who had recently got married, previously documented on Cutting Edge.

1 - Sue and ‘Q’

2 - Roy and Thip

3 - Amet and Bhavita

4 - Hannah and Carol

5 - Josh and Laura

6 - Sarah and Graham

I’ll give you a quick run down of each story.

Sue and twice divorced Q both recently retired so Q and taken to regularly visiting the pub for ‘8-10 pints a day’. Sadly, Q was too pissed at his own wedding to make his vows which left Sue in absolute tears at her own wedding. Fast forward a year and she has settled into tolerating her husband drinking himself to around 17 stone and we were treated to a bizarre scene where she sang Patsy Cline’s ‘Crazy’ to the audience of the local public house, glaring at her husband throughout.

They didn’t say it, but she was unhappy.

Thip had recently left her entire family back in Thailand to move to nondescript ‘West Yorkshire’ to live with her husband Roy. When asked if she is happy to move to England she starts to cry her heart out while nodding her head and then popping out to the local chippy with Roy. Oh and she can’t speak a word of English. Roy ends every single sentence with the words ‘Yes or no?’ and Thip either nods or shakes her head. Roy doesn’t speak Thai and Thip doesn’t speak English.

They didn’t say it, but she was unhappy.

Amet and Bhavita were two mid twenties from a strict Muslim upbringing. After asking his parents for a bit help getting a wife, Amet admitted he had been a bit of a play boy and wasn’t too hot at relationships. His arranged marriage to Bhavita was going really well, but when asked if they were in love, they looked at each other and laughed, Amet hedged for a bit and Bhavita finally stated ‘yeah, sort of. In our own special way’

They didn’t say it, but they were unsure of the future. 

Hannah and Carol, who had recently discovered their homosexuality by accident were torn apart on the topic of a civil partner; while they wanted to confirm their love for one another with the greatest of bonds but they didn’t want to face the label of gay or lesbian. They decided to go ahead with it but now felt that it was ‘a huge anticlimax’. They had started rowing, felt like the civil partnership was the end to which they were working and were struggling with married life.

They didn’t say it, but they were unhappy.

Josh and Laura were two teenage virgin Christians, who clearly loved each other but believed strongly in sex before marriage. So they got married. Sarah was now 19 and settling into married life. Josh however, was itching around on the sofa like a dog on heat. They were still sweethearts but when faced with questions of the longevity of their marriage Josh looked quite shocked when he found himself thinking about the next sixty years.

They didn’t say it, but they were looking quite naive.

Lastly and perhaps most the most tragic couple was Sarah and Graham. Graham had a bit of a past about him, made clear when he said that he would ‘hope to stay faithful, with Gods help’ on his wedding day. A couple of months after marriage, Graham left after an argument and moved out but started using Sarah for sex, which she said ‘was the only way to stay close to him’. You know what is coming next don’t you? 

One pissed up curry night, Graham has his way with Sarah and made off the next day. A couple of weeks later he gets THAT call. He had been caught in The Ultimate Trap. Pregnancy. He did move back in. He did sit and hold her hand. He did say the words ‘I feel like she’s got me’. 

They didn’t say it. But he wasn’t happy.

After watching it I realised what Channel 4 do best. The present you with various situations and all the little details but refrain from pulling out the big gun opinions. They show you the uncomfortable silences, the bizarre scenes and the arguments. They make you draw your own conclusions. 

Well…I say draw.

They lead you down a path that leads to one conclusion and half way down the track they go, ‘Oh shit I forgot something in the car, I’ll see you there in a minute mate!’

You bastards. You have led me to my own desperately negative conclusions. None of these marriages will survive. These people don’t love each other. They tolerate each other. Marriage has killed them. OH MY GOD I’M SUCH A PESSIMISTIC BASTARD! I HATE YOU CHANNEL FOUR!

Why didn’t they show those couples who stay together for 50 years and grow old together? Why don’t they show couples who have been together for 15 years and are doing really well? Because that wouldn’t make good TV that’s why. That’s why I watched an hour of tragic, doomed couples. 

Because I’m a pessimistic bastard. And Channel Four made me this way. The glass isn’t half full. It isn’t half empty. It’s just a drink. To satisfy me on the short journey towards the grave we call life.

On a plus note, the Championship starts today.

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Hotmail is changing!

Oh give me a break. Don’t you hate it when you see flashes like this? I definitely do. I scream at my laptop and consider ringing up the MSN call centres to vent my rage.

‘I don’t understand your question sir; are you struggling to get to grips with the new attachment system?’

If it was that smug twat in the background then I’d definitely be angry. But seriously, why do all the popular internet sites feel it necessary to reformat every 3 weeks. I get that you want to keep up to date and keep their page fresh but it seems like they pay a group of designers a footballers salary to change things that they changed a couple of weeks before.

Facebook is the worst culprit. How many groups are there they call out for ‘Change Facebook back to how it was in 2001/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9’. They are nearly as annoying as ‘OMG luk @ wt fb luked lyke n 2004 - do a servay plz’ but the point stands, they keep changing it around based on what? I’ve certainly never completed a feedback survey on Facebook saying that I really think you need to be able to see every single activity, every single person I know has done in the past 2 hours. It makes me feel like a stalker, listening in on a conversation.

Google image search has changed lately too, so that it crams thumbnails of every image found onto one page. Mobile broadband can’t handle it.

‘THERE’S TOO MUCH! CLOSE THE PAGE, CLOSE IT NOW!’

I liked Google Image search how it was before, this new way feels too cluttered and you have to hover over every picture to get info about it. Very annoying.

I can’t wait to see what hotmail has changed. Probably won’t let you read emails any more or something like that.

While on the topic of social networking, has anybody seen the trailer for the Facebook movie? Yeah you read it right, a movie about Facebook. I couldn’t believe it. It is made out to be a tale of two friends being driven apart by the glory of being propelled to the top. 

Get it right now, Mark Zuckerberg, creator of Facebook, actually hacked into Harvard University computer network, stole hundreds of images in order to create a shit version of ‘Hot or Not’ in that the people didn’t actually want to be publicly compared. He faced expulsion and criminal charges. I bet in the film he gets portrayed as some kid who wants to ‘bring everybody back together again, friends, lovers, families’ (if they use that line in the film I’m going to sue to at least £50) and there will probably be some explosions, some hot chicks and some guns. Maybe even a celebrity cameo, probably Snoop Dogg checking his events, making sure he has invited everybody to the right place. 

Millions of people will see that film and probably walk out just going ‘what the fuck?’ but we all know how it is going to end.

You get an email in your new hotmail account that you can’t read saying ‘you have 1 new notification from Mark Zuckerberg -

‘Wasn’t my film TOTALLY awesome?’

No Mark. I’m afraid it wasn’t.

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Soul-crushing moment #1,364

Fuck you, Wii Fit

Wii Fit is like Gordon Ramsey - he is really, really successful but you know that if you were to take lessons from him he would absolutely obliterate your pride within minutes. I had a much similar experience with the Wii Fit yesterday.

I was having great fun on Wii Sports, digitally knocking ten bells of the proverbial out of everybody I’ve hated for the last 10 years, (I mentally gave my opponents names based on a glancing resemblance) my Wii Mii looked pretty unreal and I was thinking, ‘Nintendo - This. Is. Amazing.’

FUCK YOU, MEDIA!

But then I got onto Wii Fit and something changed. The Wii suddenly started sounding like a 45 year old paedophile in a chat room, asking me questions I didn’t quite understand. 

‘When is your birthday?’

‘How tall are you?’

‘Jump on me!’

‘Let’s do a body test!’

Then the Wii took it too far. After taking in my age and calculating my BMI, which is apparently in the nasty amber section ‘heavily overweight’ it changed my Wii Mii in ways I can never explain to you.

Now, I’m not exactly Lance Armstrong but I’m certainly not fucking Fat Albert! Video games are usually an escape from life’s problems where you can murder Russian mobsters in a helicopter while buying a new ringtone for your mobile, but Wii Fit managed to shatter that dream for me. Now ‘Mii’ was making laboured movements around the screen and generally being pathetic.

The whole experience just got worse from there on in. I started with some yoga basics, in which I had to hold yoga poses and balance my weight correctly on the Wii Balance Board. The stupid bitch who was my ‘virtual instructor’ just berated me at every second.

‘Your balance is a bit off’

‘Are you breathing properly?’

‘Come on, keep trying!’

‘Steady that leg there, you are wobbling a bit’

Hammering me with statistics about how off my balance was, pinning crap ratings onto all my attempts at the various ‘exercises’ I was starting to feel my patience being tested. I was done with this. I didn’t need some pre-rendered twat telling me I couldn’t do yoga. I promptly turned the Wii off and sulked for a while, avoiding food and trying not to sit down.

I don’t care that it is the 3rd best selling video game of all time. It crushes your soul, plain and simple. Don’t fall for crap advertising schemes, with websites basically performing fellatio on the Wii Remote.

Those girls obviously aren’t playing it properly, or else they would be crying, calling up their friends and going,

‘Does your Wii Yoga guy say horrible things to you to? I think I’m going to have to move out, it just isn’t working.’

Nintendo are trying to break us down so that we depend on their products for everything. Number two on the list of best selling console games is Nintendogs. FUCKING NINTENDOGS? Get a real fucking dog, a real yoga teacher that won’t rape your ego and stop playing Wii Resort and go on holiday!

Wii Fit is a joke. Nintendo are a joke. Stop making these ‘help yourself’ games or else he will grow in power, his brain age will go to a higher level.

Kawashima. BREAKER OF MEN!

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Incep-fuckmethisfilmisunreal-tion

It just gets better everytime. I’ve been to see it twice in the space of a week now and it has to be said, Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the best actors around. 

Girls have probably loved him for Romeo + Juliet and Titanic but frankly, I didn’t really enjoy him in either of those films. His dual role in ‘The Man In The Iron Mask’ was pretty annoying as well; a hedonistic twat and his compassionate twin brother. I just didn’t get it.

But then he suddenly started getting loads of wicked roles and pulling them off really, really well. Catch Me If You Can, Gangs of New York, The Aviator, Blood Diamond, The Departed, Shutter Island. All his characters in these films have varying inner struggles and complexities rather than just your plain black and white hero/bad guy and I think that is what really sold him to me as an actor. I mean The Departed, who knew what the hell was going on at any point in that film. Matt Damon is a good kid who meets Jack Nicholson who is a bad guy then Matt Damon is a bad guy working for the police but Leo Dio is a bad kid who wants to be a cop but ends up working for Jack Nicholson. 

Thank god it was Scorsese directing it though. If it was M. Night Shyamalan, he would have just played the whole film not explaining the back story of any character, then right at the end he would have had a ten second scene revealing that Damon was actually a criminal and DiCaprio was an undercover cop.

Besides the point though, Leo Dio is absolutely wicked in Inception and he isn’t the only one. London born Tom Hardy is unreal in the film, can’t wait to see where his career takes him, especially after whispers of him taking the title role in a Mad Max remake. Ken Watanabe who is becoming the best at playing Wise Japanese Sage #1, Cillian Murphy who must be a favourite of Christopher Nolan and Joseph Gordon-Levitt who should be knighted just for those hallway fight scenes. 

I literally, cannot bend my mind around them. In an interview he just said ‘Wires, a hallway that moves 360 degrees, hours of practice.’ 

Yeah I fucking bet. 

That fight scene is going to become pretty iconic, at least I it does. In a time when CGI is creeping into fight scenes more and more with relative degrees of success (CGI parts of The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions fights are quite frankly, embarrassing to watch now) Chris Nolan has gone, ’So there’s this hallway yeah, with the gravity flying about all over the place. Physics? Out the window. And I want you, to fight him. Put on this harness and do it.’

…

You absolute LORDS! Chris Nolan goes for realistic grit with stunning visuals and ideas that are out of this world. I’m well aware that probably classes as an oxymoron but its the only way I can think of describing Nolan films. 

BRING ON THE 3rd AND FINAL NOLAN BATMAN!

Journey South

After a wicked roast at my girlfriend’s house, I’m off to a friend’s 21st birthday in BEDFORD, THE SOUTH.

I love long drives, it means that you can listen to loads of albums on the way down and when you are on your own you can sing along as loud as you want. 

Here is my list of albums I’m going to be listening to;

Metallica - Death Magnetic - Mainly because I haven’t in ages and it reminds me of wicked times at Uni.

Avenged Sevenfold - Nightmare - Just got a hold of this album and I haven’t had a proper run through it yet, although I’m going to be honest, what I have heard isn’t great.

Power Ballads - The Ultimate Drive - Part 2 - Best. Compilation. Ever.

Tedious while it may seem, I will be interspersing my playlist with a bit of Radio 1 because I love a bit of banter. Although one of my mates was on car park catchphrase the other day and was really, really disappointing.

Off to get pissed and tear up Bedford, probably get mugged and set on fire.

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